7Nineteen

the universe always manages to give you what you need...but not until you're ready for it.

[baby ruth showing pure baby joy]

there's something to this idea of putting what you wish for out into the universe. there's also something to this idea of writing it all down.

i've been doing just that for the past month, with my morning pages. suddenly and surprisingly, that little photo above just got me my first paying photography gig.

hrm. how about that.

summer's almost gone

[scenes from a bedroom]

i used to listen to the old people in my family talk about how quickly time passes when you're older.

they were right. every season just races past me before I really even have the chance to enjoy it.

the summer may be running away from me, but a lot has happened to me.

and i've learned.

and i still have plenty of chances to wear my chunklas and sit on my deck.

3 is the most evil number there is

[my bathroom wall on a summer afternoon, as the sun shifted]

i was talking to a co-worker this morning about how someone in our office thrives on the number three, meaning that this person loves to use that dynamic to pit people against each other.

when i thought about it, it made so much sense. it's easy to position oneself in the power role in the triad, and then either pit the other two against each other, or make them align themselves with each other against someone outside of the triad.

brilliant.

i nodded as he said, "think about it...three is the most evil number there is."

3 on flickr ( and these photos are decidedly NOT evil):

.334

pieta

from the train

36

[birthday self-portrait]

Now you understand the name of this blog.

Closer to 40 than 30 today. How did that happen?

40 is the new 30!

[easter, 1972]

play

[a co-worker/friend's child. how do they grow so fast?]

i haven't had enough play in my life.

get up, go to work, spin class, come home, eat, go to sleep. wake up at 2 or 3 am and cry over a silly, selfish man. go back to sleep. repeat.

that's what my life has been for so long now.

one of the many positives about my new camera is that it has forced me to get out of the house and explore new places...to spend time with myself, learning how to pay attention again.

that's a good start to learning how to play again.

and the beginnings of plans for a trip to las vegas in october are more than a good start.

fingers crossed.

ideas with legs

[i hate daisies, but i like how this photo turned out]

there's something to this idea of doing morning pages. i completely take the stream of consciousness approach and i'm amazed at some of the ideas that have spilled onto my pages. good ideas. ideas with legs, as they say.

i'm working hard at feeling good right now, and you know what?  i feel good right now.  that's such a nice switch from where i've been since march.

bringing a smile to my face today:

jodi's fantastic bus story. she has the best bus and subway stories. her writing seems so effortless and unpretentious.

rachel's beautiful photos of the ring and the kiss

this baby's face. he looks like a 40 yr old italian man in a baby's body. he's so precious.

breathing easier

[pretty things in unexpected places]

i'm really smart in one respect: i know when to get help when i need it. in other words, i managed to get in with my therapist on monday during my lunch hour.

she was full of good things like:

"anger is just hurt feelings that explode."

"you should have been respected and he didn't do that."

"you need a vacation. it's ridiculous that you can't get time off of work."

"i can write you a medical excuse to get a few days off, you know." (which I declined for fear of being forever known as the crazy woman in the office)

"you need to have some fun. don't you ever have any fun?" (to which I shook my head, started sobbing like a child and cried, "not enough. not enough to make up for the rest of it).

i went back to work, sucked it up and got on with my day. i slept fitfully last night, bad dreams constantly waking me.

but i woke up this morning feeling more at peace than i have in months.

i'm a strong woman who has weak moments.

and there's nothing wrong with that.

stripping it away

[me, bathroom self-portrait]

It's amazing what one hurtful email, received after 5 weeks of silence, can do to one's weekend. I read it and spent the first 5 minutes numb. Then I called my friend, J., and sobbed. Then I crawled into bed with my clothes on and cried every particle of makeup off of my face. I've never done that before. It's sort of amazing when you think about it.

Anyway.

When I woke up this morning, I ran to my bathroom and started giving myself a facial peel. I rubbed my face until it was red and tingling. And then I did it again. And then I did it again. I think in some weird, irrational way, I was trying to strip myself of the tears.

Or maybe it goes deeper than that....shedding old skin and all of that. I don't know.

It was pouring rain tonight. It rained so hard, and so long. I took my iPod and journal and sat on the deck, feeling the wind blow the rain onto me, soaking through my clothes. When the lightning would hit, I'd close my eyes and feel the vibration of the energy in the air, and each time, I'd wonder what it would be like to get hit by it.

Of course right after that, a huge bolt of lightning struck and scared the shit out of me, forcing me to run inside like a child. All of a sudden the lightning striking me wasn't such a great, dramatic idea.

Maybe I really am an optimist after all.

the death of creativity! *cue the dramatic music*

[from a very enjoyable cemetary walk over the long 4th of july weekend]

i am always hesitant to think of myself as a creative person. i was always focused on grades. but i conveniently forget that i danced competitively for 13 years. i call my photography "just a hobby that i'm ok at".  i don't think i'm a good writer, yet i make my living writing contracts and briefs and memos all day, every day. those are creative things.

in an attempt to "get in touch" with my creativity, i decided to do the artist's way. i'm not doing it to become some pretentious internet presence. i'm doing it because the stress of being a lawyer is draining the life out of me.

tonight, my assignment was to list three old enemies of my creative self-worth. this is what i wrote for one of them:

in kindergarten, i colored a picture of a cake black to make it a chocolate cake. mrs. *insert name of meanie teacher here* said it was wrong and that i should have colored it brown because chocolate is brown, not black! i'm 35 years old and i still remember how awful i felt when she said that. couldn't it have been dark chocolate for chrissakes?

-----

some of my favorite examples of creativity:

tess and houser find a new way to use flags

dianne the cashier

we are lovers, girl

i'm glad that someone remembered joe totsky

[handwritten grave marker, made of pipes formed into a cross]

I dated a mortician about 6 years ago.

One night he called me up and said, "I have to go embalm a body. Do you want to watch?"

So, I watched.

I didn't feel queasy. I was actually quite fascinated. But mostly, I wondered what this old man's life had been like. I remember making a point to look up his obituary the next day.

I'm sorry, and a little ashamed, that I don't remember any part of what it said.