7Nineteen

what have you done today to make yourself proud

[the pump dance tent at pridefest]

milwaukee's pridefest is amazing. this was my first year in attendance and i had more fun at pridefest than any other summer festival i've attended here (and milwaukee is known as the summer festival capital of the universe].

where else can you see margaret cho, lady bunny, bow wow wow, martha wash, en vogue, female impersonators, half naked men with rippling muscles and wash it all down with the strongest martini of any summer festival around?

i also got my first tattoo there.

i plan on making pridefest a summer tradition, and i plan on making it a tradition to get a tattoo at pridefest every year.

other photos of various pride events around the country:

beautiful tattooed man at nyc leatherfest

checking the dance line at denver pridefest

bare-back duotone at key west pridefest

you'll meet jesus and fire will come out of his eyes! [my photo]

always under or above

[when you get too lazy to photograph something else, you always have yourself]

"Inside Of Love"- Nada Surf

Watching terrible tv
It kills all thought
Getting spacier than
An astronaut
Making out with people
I hardly know or like
I can't believe what i do
Late at night
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above
Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do
I know the last page so well
I can't see the first
So i just don't start
It's getting worse
[chorus]
I can't find my way in
I try again and again
I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you
Of course i'll be alright
I just had a bad night

things i'm digging right now

[chinese lantern on our little deck]

terri lynn's talent and creativity. no one does artwork with their photos like she does.

my new camera and planning new adventures with it by my side

italian margaritas

the four day weekend coming up

tvgasm

coming out of the funk i've been in for the past 3 months

blogging again

alone

[my mother cooking dinner. what is that you ask? braciole]

the thing about having a sick mother is that you realize that sooner rather than later, you're going to be alone in the world, and that's a tough realization. in my head i still feel 16 sometimes. i can't understand how i got to be 35, with parents who are in the autumn of their lives.

i ran into my parents at the grocery store on saturday and it took me a few seconds to realize who they were. all i could see was a frail, thin woman, shuffling her feet, with dark circles under her eyes. and the man looked weary...so weary.

mentally, i've been preparing myself for it. i find myself thinking, all too often, "you're going to be alone someday, so you need to figure this out on your own."

it's really only at times like those that i regret not being married. at least i wouldn't be alone.

How many tears must fall, How many hours must my heart ache

[my grandfather's poetry book, written after my grandmother died in 1979]

my mother's illness has put her in the state of mind where she feels as though she needs to sort through her life, giving away things that are important.

i got this notebook of poetry that my grandfather wrote after my grandmother died in 1979, at the age of 55. it goes on for pages. the poetry is simple, but pure, and it makes me cry every time i turn the yellowed, stained pages.

if i could be loved that way in my life, i'd consider myself blessed.

-----

I cry when I see your picture,

Oh, how I long for your touch.

Did you know how I loved you,

Did you know how much?

I see you in everything I do,

How much can I endure?

How do I survive without you?

The months roll by,

They seem to fly,

But my darling, I still cry and cry.

with time

[benches seem so lonely. downtown milwaukee]

At first, when you make the clean break, it's easy. You feel lifted, relieved, lighter. The load has finally been lifted.

And then a month down the road, you realize how quiet your phone is. How empty your e-mail inbox is. How quiet your nights are. Instead of falling asleep with his voice in your ear, and a smile on your face, you lie awake at 3 in the morning and see images of him in your head.

And that's the only time the tears come. And tha's when you bury your face into the pillow and curse at him and ask into the air, "Why did you do this?"

You ask yourself that question too.

You never dreamed about him then. But now that he's gone, he invades your subconscious almost every night.

Some things don't get easier with time.

What you are

[garlic plants in bloom]

When you have a history with people, when they see you grow and change and bloom into a completely new being, it can be wonderful. It's like having a private understanding between you...like a private joke or the unspoken words that say everything.

But sometimes, people can't forget what you used to be, and they can't see what you are. They keep you trapped in the past.

And when it's clear that they can't put the old you away, it's also clear that maybe it's time for you to move on to a place where no one knew what you were, but only appreciate what you are.

Favorite Flickr Photo of the Day: untitled polaroid 4

Vanity

[makeup brushes]

"Vanity is my favorite sin."

          ~Al Pacino

A vain woman, I am.

I won't go out, even for half an hour, unless I at least have some powder on my face and mascara on my lashes.

What if I see someone I know? What if I meet THE ONE in the produce aisle?

The truth is, when I don't have my face on, people ask, "Are you sick/tired/dying?" Why fight it?

My favorite makeup: Bare Escentuals, Smashbox, Mally Beauty.

My favorite skin care and fragrance lines: Philosophy.

Are you vain?

Vanity on Flickr: Cool 'n' Sexy Pool

In an attempt not to feel stagnant

[Pridefest, Milwaukee, June 2006]

Tattoos are common now, but for some reason, people were shocked that I just got one. Whatever the "tattoo type" is, people have been telling me that I'm not that type.

Hmm.

I suppose that's why I did it. I needed to shake things up. I needed to do something I thought I'd never do.

I needed to surprise people.

I needed to surprise myself.

7Nineteen Redux

[downtown milwaukee, spring 2006]

I've been keeping online journals or weblogs in one form or another since 1999, but I've never stayed in the same place for longer than a year or two at a time.

I miss having a place to post photos and write a bit, especially on mornings like this one, when it's dark and I can hear the rain against my bedroom window and my coffee is strong and hot and everything feels ....OK.

Photography is simply a hobby for me. There's no pretense here of me being an artist. When people buy a digi cam and all of a sudden become pretentious about it, it just annoys me. I simply enjoy taking photographs. However, I haven't really worked at it in months. Hopefully this site will force me to shoot something...anything...on a regular basis. I just bought a Canon Digital Rebel XT, and for that price, I better start shooting a lot of photos.  A co-worker is also making strong hints about buying me a digital photography class for my birthday next month, so, it's time to pick up the camera again.

So this is my playground. It's a forced way to make myself have a hobby so that my job doesn't make me insane.

Who am I? I'll be added to my "About" page as we go.

The name of the site? My birthday. I've used this name for a site before and I always rather liked it.

The plan for this site? Right now, just to share photos and write tidbits about my day or about interesting things I find on the Web.

So to start us off, thanks to Cas for sharing this Flickr stream with me. Please put Prince Albert back in the can, I beg you.